Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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