I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
