I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
