Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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