The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
