and you said cock pushups were impossible
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
smell my finger.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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