nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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