i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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