Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
