Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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