Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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