my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
