Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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