seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
