We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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