What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
