I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
