OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
barbara walters just said penis...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
