just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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