I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
