i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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