Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
