Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
