is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
