They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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