I'm going to jail i love you
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
