I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
My ass is underappreciated
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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