Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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