I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
