it hurts more in the daytime
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
