maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
