I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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