When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
