today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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