if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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