If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Found your dick twin last night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
