Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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