i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
