god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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