that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
