My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
