Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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