you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
