So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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