I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
