and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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