thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize