Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
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