and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
