and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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