grandma shit on top of the toilet
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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