I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
