the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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