i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
