I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
