i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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